


Moving Forward

by betweenthepages



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: F/M, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-08
Updated: 2014-01-08
Packaged: 2018-01-08 00:28:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 991
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1126202
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/betweenthepages/pseuds/betweenthepages
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After 1x11, Melinda thinks of Bahrain and Phil.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Moving Forward

**Author's Note:**

> Spoilers through 1x11.

Melinda May took one look at Coulson screaming and Skye desperately pushing buttons and she pulled the plug. The begging to die doesn't stop.

It takes everything she has not to rush straight for Coulson -- for Phil -- but Skye deserves this moment. May's not sure if she herself could pull Coulson back, or even if he wants to come back, but Skye's not like her. She believes still in life and love and has that kind of faith in her relationship with Coulson that she has to try. And May has to let her.

"Coulson. Coulson. Come back, come back, come back." Melinda turns away.

"Skye? Skye." Coulson says, and she lets out the breath she didn't know she was holding until he quiets and Skye sobs with relief.

The trick she'd pulled with Hand had been one of his. She's just glad it paid off.

She radios for medics and it's Fitzsimmons who show up, wheeling a stretcher. Ward bursts in a minute later, looking worse for wear. He nods at Skye and picks Raina off the ground, cuffing her. Melinda looks at their faces and touches each of their shoulders, reassuring herself that they are all alright, and she leaves the room. She doesn't say anything to Coulson. He already knows. She'd be surprised if he weren't thinking of the same thing, of him begging her to come back.

She's spent years pushing away the memories of Bahrain, and she'd succeeded, for the most part. Not even the Beserker Staff had brought back the images of what happened in that warehouse. That wasn't the terrifying part, not for her, anyway. The stuff of her nightmares was not what happened in that warehouse but what happened afterwards.

She remembers walking out of the warehouse, supporting the weight of an unconscious Maria Hill on one shoulder and carrying the girl with the other. Someone rushes in to take Maria and reach for the girl. May lets him take Maria -- touching her shoulder one last time to make sure she's still there, still alive -- and doesn't let go of the girl. Before she knows it two people are down and Phil's hands are on her face, his voice telling her to look at him. "May. Melinda. You need to let the girl go."

The next thing she remembers is waking up in a medical bay. Phil is next to her, but that's no surprise. After she'd refused to leave his bedside following his return from Budapest, doctors at SHIELD knew better than to try and separate the two from one another. He's muttering "come back to me," as he always does when she scares him like this. The stuff her nightmares is made of is that moment he looked up at her and realized she hadn't come back to him, not really.

Her nightmares are of that moment and the many after, when she realized she didn't know how to come back, not from this. Not from the crippling doubt that she had done more harm than good, not from the shaking of faith that followed the realization that SHIELD had ordered her to kill a warehouse full of people to save a mere handful. Not from saving a girl and handing her off without knowing what horrible fate might await her. Her nightmares are of Phil's slow realization, of the multiple times he asked her to come back and the multiple times she failed to do so. Of failing him, of anger with herself.

She had told Ward that she saw it everyday, and it was true. It's hard not to see the Bus in part as one last attempt from Phil to have her come back. She saw it in Phil, in his attempts to make them bond as a team, and in his soft spot for Skye -- so much who she used to be. She looked at someone who used to be her best friend and all she saw was despair and anger at her own failure.

It is Simmons that comes to get her. They walk back to the jet together, to the medical area where three bodies are crowded around a hospital bed. Skye spots her first and links arms with both Ward and Fitz, joking about giving mom and dad some time. Melinda sees the look in her eyes and resolves to check in with her later, settling for a quick pat on the shoulder as Skye leaves the room.

A nurse enters and Melinda glares. The nurse's eyes widen in recognition and he flees the room.

"Just like Budapest all over again," Phil jokes. "Mel..."

"Phil." She crosses the room and rests a hand on his shoulder.

"There is no coming back, is there?" His voice is wrecked.

She doesn't say anything. She doesn't have to. She looks at him and sees in his eyes the overwhelming fear and doubt she herself had once felt. About SHIELD. About herself. About life. She squeezes his shoulder and he understands.

Outside the room, she hears Skye's voice mimicking Simmons', "...right as rain," and hears Fitzsimmons bickering over whether Fitz would have done a better job. She hears Ward chuckling softly, and she looks back at Phil, who is gazing at them fondly through the window. There is a glimmer of life in his eyes again, and if she's honest with herself, she feels something in her light up, too.

They're preparing to leave medical when she presses a hand to his cheek. "To answer your question..."

"Mel, you don't have to." 

"No. But there is moving forward."

His hand comes up to meet hers. "Will you come with me?", he asks, swinging his legs over the side of his bed. They both know he's not just talking about going back to the team. That's a given.

 

For the first time since she'd come back to the field, she looked at him and saw not despair but hope.


End file.
